Handsome Jack here! I'm way too busy being awesome to answer the phone, but tell me why you're calling and if you're important enough, your people will hear from my people.
Corporate. I wasn't in charge of the company at that point. [Just Helios, but in Jack's mind, there is a big difference.] It was one of those situations where a whole lot of lives were at stake, and there wasn't time for strategy or making real plans. I made a call, we all lived, I'm gonna say I made the right one.
It's worse than an active warzone, at least there's usually a point to wars. Pandora's just...savage for the sake of savagery. Everybody pretty much wrote it off, was gonna leave it to destroy itself. Well about six or seven years ago, I was doing some geological surveying for fun, and I find that the planet's just loaded with this rare, incredible mineral called Eridium. Nobody had any idea. I had no idea, it was just one of those things. I had the tools, I was in the right place, I knew how to utilize it, so I started implementing mining and restoration programs on the surface. Building protected colonies, getting rid of the bandits. Cleaning it up.
But then there was this big monster with a ton of tentacles that woke up. We're talking planet crushing giant alien monster! Holy shit, you should have seen this thing!
I take it you've never seen the site of a proxy war after the larger powers have moved on. Everything collapses in on itself, and the entire region goes to hell-- there's no rhyme or reason to the killing anymore, besides whoever's left trying to scrape together a way to live.
Then again, I've never seen an alien tentacle monster. Not sure if I'd have liked to have seen it or not.
No, I know what you mean, and it's like that, but half the 'people' involved aren't even people anymore. They're mutated and stunted thanks to Dahl and probably Atlas, too.
You don't want to. Had nightmares for years. But I killed it with some people, the sane people of Pandora were happy and thankful, rejoicing rang through the valleys. I kept doing what I was doing, hailed as the Hero of the Vault! But the president of Hyperion at the time was a real bastard. And then those zealots I was mentioning started bombing Elpis - and plenty of innocent people! - and my station and they were after this super weapon...
So I started getting a little more involved in protecting what was important to me. And yeah, I killed a bunch of people. All of'em for a reason, though. Oh, did I mention the other guys had a scary killer alien? 'Cause they did.
But apparently I should keep my nose out of Pandora's business, it can take care of itself, and let's just ignore what a super laser could do in the right hands! Half the people I was working with decided to screw me over for their own ideals at the very end. Just out of nowhere. They were using me the whole time. One of'em was my friggin girlfriend. I mean, okay, we were broken up then - uh, not Nish, this was the woman I was with before, I met Nisha when I hired her the same time as I hired Athena - but still. She strung me along so she could try and kill me after she got what she wanted.
[honestly, he's having a hard time trying to parse what's true, and what's Jack being the hero of his own story. but he's quiet for a long moment after the part about being betrayed.]
Let me see if I've got this right. You're a terrible storyteller, by the way.
So you had a weapon-- a super laser --on your station, and people came after it, because they didn't feel anyone should have that power, or at least that you shouldn't have it. So they wrecked the place trying to get to it. And even your girlfriend used you-- I'm assuming she was your girlfriend while she used you, and you broke up later --and left you behind for an ideal. The ideal of destroying the weapon? Or letting Pandora rule itself?
[No one can ever be sure what's true and what's not. It's all filtered through Jack-O-Vision, in which Handsome Jack can do no wrong and everyone else are assholes and bandits. If nothing else, he fully believes everything he's saying is the honest truth.]
I'm a great storyteller! I'm just trying to string like ten different ones together and leave out all the extra bits.
Uh...sort of. People came after the weapon 'cause they wanted it. To destroy things with. They wanted to destroy everything. I had a girlfriend named Moxxi. We'd broken up when all this happened, she apparently has some allergy to monogamy. But we were still on okay terms, or so I thought. I asked her for some help, getting my people safe and looking after'em. She wasn't even involved in the first place! Neither were those asshole Vault Hunters! But I asked them for help. because I figured we wanted the same thing: save Pandora. Save the moon. Keep the super space laser away from the lunatics who want to wipe out everybody! They said yeah, they'd help. Moxxi said yeah, sure, this'll make us square, make up for what happened between us.
Then she decides, no, nobody should have the laser, not even me, to safely wipe out the bandits on Pandora, without having to send wave after wave of soldiers in on the surface. And do we have a discussion about this? No, of course not, she just tries to kill me!
Yeah, she's in the 'Pandora can fend for itself' camp. Which is bullshit, she escaped one of those bandit clans herself! She should understand! She's seen it! She grew up with it!
[there's sarcasm to it, but the friendly kind. and Kaz starts to understand that he isn't seeing the whole picture. and that Jack is a bad person who's done some truly nasty shit, but no worse of a person than he is.]
[granted, Kaz periodically tortured a dude for months, chiefly for personal vengeance, so there isn't much further to go.]
And they all turned on you because you wanted the laser? Doesn't seem reasonable, even if you were planning on hanging onto it as a deterrent. Predictable, maybe, but... [a sigh] Nothing good ever happens around weapons of mass destruction. And I don't mean that in the obvious way.
Time constraints! I had a real busy five years there.
These people aren't reasonable. This? This is the middle of the story. This doesn't even go into how after that, when they'd already destroyed my laser and tried to kill me, they just kept at me. They raided my trade lines. They stole from my company. They attacked and sabotaged the cities I built. They killed Nisha. They killed my little girl when they couldn't get to me. A kid who'd never even left her home, let alone hurt anybody. And then that crazy pants Siren loses it on me for retaliating?
I'm not gonna sit here and say I did everything I perfect, I never made mistakes. Could I have handled some things better? Sure. Heat of the moment decisions don't look the same in hindsight, all that. But fuck's sake, what they've done....
[He's flipped over to Frothing Rage Mode, Everyday Jack will return shortly.]
They came for me like rabid dogs. Nothing got in their way. They got a thirteen year old girl to bomb my trains. So yeah, I shot one of them in the head. While he was standing over my daughter's body. But I'm the bad guy here.
No! That's the friggin' thing! Those same people? Apparently tried to kill her, too! Just because she worked for me once! I haven't even seen her since we worked together! She's nuts. And I don't just mean she nuts for wanting me dead, she's legitimately messed up in the head.
Believe me, one of them shows up, everybody will know.
Tell me their names, so I can pass them on if I ever see them.
But it's good to know she's not with them. Any luck getting her to agree to a truce? And what about the other one-- Rhys? Is a coward all he is, or is it a facade for his real motives?
Lilith. She's got red hair and blue tattoos on her right side. Mordecai, he's a hunter, got dreds tied back down his back. Brick. He matches his name, giant guy that doesn't talk much, other than with his fists.
There was Roland, but he's the one I killed. [Though Jack's not counting on that to keep the former leader of the Crimson Raiders from showing up here.]
Thanks.
Doesn't look like it, but she doesn't have her guns. I can handle her. Rhys...I dunno, I think he's just an idiot who's been through more than he can handle. He works for me, he's Hyperion, and pretty loyal. Those fancy robot bits he's got? You only get those if you've already decided to give your everything to the corp, they aren't medical or replacement parts.
I'm guessing his only motives are 'be the best Hyperion I can be!'.
Don't worry about it. Just return the favor if anyone mentions 'Cipher'. Or they're going by 'Big Boss'. Not the one already here with the shrapnel in his forehead-- a different one.
You got it. I probably don't have to mention that I'm the kinda guy who keeps an eye on things. You got my back, I got yours.
It means he gave up an arm and an eye to get cybernetics to make him better at his job. Because Hyperion and what we do is that important to him. Like I said: loyal. But an idiot.
no subject
It's worse than an active warzone, at least there's usually a point to wars. Pandora's just...savage for the sake of savagery. Everybody pretty much wrote it off, was gonna leave it to destroy itself. Well about six or seven years ago, I was doing some geological surveying for fun, and I find that the planet's just loaded with this rare, incredible mineral called Eridium. Nobody had any idea. I had no idea, it was just one of those things. I had the tools, I was in the right place, I knew how to utilize it, so I started implementing mining and restoration programs on the surface. Building protected colonies, getting rid of the bandits. Cleaning it up.
But then there was this big monster with a ton of tentacles that woke up. We're talking planet crushing giant alien monster! Holy shit, you should have seen this thing!
no subject
Then again, I've never seen an alien tentacle monster. Not sure if I'd have liked to have seen it or not.
no subject
You don't want to. Had nightmares for years. But I killed it with some people, the sane people of Pandora were happy and thankful, rejoicing rang through the valleys. I kept doing what I was doing, hailed as the Hero of the Vault! But the president of Hyperion at the time was a real bastard. And then those zealots I was mentioning started bombing Elpis - and plenty of innocent people! - and my station and they were after this super weapon...
So I started getting a little more involved in protecting what was important to me. And yeah, I killed a bunch of people. All of'em for a reason, though. Oh, did I mention the other guys had a scary killer alien? 'Cause they did.
But apparently I should keep my nose out of Pandora's business, it can take care of itself, and let's just ignore what a super laser could do in the right hands! Half the people I was working with decided to screw me over for their own ideals at the very end. Just out of nowhere. They were using me the whole time. One of'em was my friggin girlfriend. I mean, okay, we were broken up then - uh, not Nish, this was the woman I was with before, I met Nisha when I hired her the same time as I hired Athena - but still. She strung me along so she could try and kill me after she got what she wanted.
Assholes.
no subject
Let me see if I've got this right. You're a terrible storyteller, by the way.
So you had a weapon-- a super laser --on your station, and people came after it, because they didn't feel anyone should have that power, or at least that you shouldn't have it. So they wrecked the place trying to get to it. And even your girlfriend used you-- I'm assuming she was your girlfriend while she used you, and you broke up later --and left you behind for an ideal. The ideal of destroying the weapon? Or letting Pandora rule itself?
What were you gonna use the laser for?
no subject
I'm a great storyteller! I'm just trying to string like ten different ones together and leave out all the extra bits.
Uh...sort of. People came after the weapon 'cause they wanted it. To destroy things with. They wanted to destroy everything. I had a girlfriend named Moxxi. We'd broken up when all this happened, she apparently has some allergy to monogamy. But we were still on okay terms, or so I thought. I asked her for some help, getting my people safe and looking after'em. She wasn't even involved in the first place! Neither were those asshole Vault Hunters! But I asked them for help. because I figured we wanted the same thing: save Pandora. Save the moon. Keep the super space laser away from the lunatics who want to wipe out everybody! They said yeah, they'd help. Moxxi said yeah, sure, this'll make us square, make up for what happened between us.
Then she decides, no, nobody should have the laser, not even me, to safely wipe out the bandits on Pandora, without having to send wave after wave of soldiers in on the surface. And do we have a discussion about this? No, of course not, she just tries to kill me!
Yeah, she's in the 'Pandora can fend for itself' camp. Which is bullshit, she escaped one of those bandit clans herself! She should understand! She's seen it! She grew up with it!
no subject
[there's sarcasm to it, but the friendly kind. and Kaz starts to understand that he isn't seeing the whole picture. and that Jack is a bad person who's done some truly nasty shit, but no worse of a person than he is.]
[granted, Kaz periodically tortured a dude for months, chiefly for personal vengeance, so there isn't much further to go.]
And they all turned on you because you wanted the laser? Doesn't seem reasonable, even if you were planning on hanging onto it as a deterrent. Predictable, maybe, but... [a sigh] Nothing good ever happens around weapons of mass destruction. And I don't mean that in the obvious way.
no subject
These people aren't reasonable. This? This is the middle of the story. This doesn't even go into how after that, when they'd already destroyed my laser and tried to kill me, they just kept at me. They raided my trade lines. They stole from my company. They attacked and sabotaged the cities I built. They killed Nisha. They killed my little girl when they couldn't get to me. A kid who'd never even left her home, let alone hurt anybody. And then that crazy pants Siren loses it on me for retaliating?
I'm not gonna sit here and say I did everything I perfect, I never made mistakes. Could I have handled some things better? Sure. Heat of the moment decisions don't look the same in hindsight, all that. But fuck's sake, what they've done....
[He's flipped over to Frothing Rage Mode, Everyday Jack will return shortly.]
no subject
Your girlfriend, even your kid... And everything that was yours.
No one could blame you for wanting those people dead. Or worse. Doesn't matter what you did to them, there's things in this world you can't forgive.
And Athena's one of them?
no subject
No! That's the friggin' thing! Those same people? Apparently tried to kill her, too! Just because she worked for me once! I haven't even seen her since we worked together! She's nuts. And I don't just mean she nuts for wanting me dead, she's legitimately messed up in the head.
Believe me, one of them shows up, everybody will know.
no subject
Tell me their names, so I can pass them on if I ever see them.
But it's good to know she's not with them. Any luck getting her to agree to a truce? And what about the other one-- Rhys? Is a coward all he is, or is it a facade for his real motives?
no subject
There was Roland, but he's the one I killed. [Though Jack's not counting on that to keep the former leader of the Crimson Raiders from showing up here.]
Thanks.
Doesn't look like it, but she doesn't have her guns. I can handle her. Rhys...I dunno, I think he's just an idiot who's been through more than he can handle. He works for me, he's Hyperion, and pretty loyal. Those fancy robot bits he's got? You only get those if you've already decided to give your everything to the corp, they aren't medical or replacement parts.
I'm guessing his only motives are 'be the best Hyperion I can be!'.
no subject
What the hell does 'everything to the corp' mean?
no subject
It means he gave up an arm and an eye to get cybernetics to make him better at his job. Because Hyperion and what we do is that important to him. Like I said: loyal. But an idiot.