thedifferencebetween

Jack, that's what being married *is* when you're not allowed to be legally married.

Which except for the last two months before I came here, I couldn't be.

I never even thought about marriage as a thing I could have until I heard about Dr Stantz and his husbands.

I mean if I was going to be married to anyone, Jack, it would be you, just

Fuck

Give me a second

[About half a minute later, Jack will get a video call. Steven... is in one of the bathrooms for some reason?]

You really mean it? You'd have... that's a big step, Jack. I mean, marriage in everything but name... I haven't even told you I love you yet.

[You... kind of just did, Steven.]

Oh god, is this turning into a thing? Not everything's gotta be a thing, babe. I'm just trying to soothe your irrational insecurity about the state of our relationship.

[He wasn't planning on having A Talk or anything.]

Like you have to say it. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you! You're nuts about me! You're not going anywhere.

Don't make this weird, Steven, just accept that I'm invested and calm the frig down.

No, I'm not trying to make this into a thing. I don't actually want to make things into things, Jack. They just-- get that way sometimes.

[He rakes his hand through his short hair.]

Just. God. Sometimes I'm really struck by what very different places we come from. Literally and metaphorically.

But yeah. Yeah, you are invested. I knew you were invested. I don't know why I got so rattled by her. I just, fuck. I don't know. I mean, it's not like she doesn't have wildly different relationship standards than me. We got distracted onto the whole subject because I mentioned offhand that I don't have my own room here and she was surprised-- and I mean why would I? Isn't the whole point of living together actually living together?

[He sighs.]

Sorry. I do appreciate that you're taking things slow for me, Jack. And... you should know that even if I'm not ready for that kind of thing yet, I probably will be. Eventually. I mean, I'm still not used to it being an option for me, you know? But that's fine. We're meeting in the middle.

And when I am ready, I'll let you know. Promise, [and there's a hint of hesitation before he adds] querido.

Yeah, I don't need all the flavor context, I really don't.

I know. I get this is your first big serious got a future kinda relationship, but it's not mine. I know how this shit goes, and I am actually aware of other people, despite what vocal dissidents would like the world to believe. I'm aware that you have needs and issues and a lot of this is new to ya. I take all of that into consideration. That's why we're rolling along closer to your pace than mine.

But I gotta say....that insecurity and questioning of my motives and feelings is not sexy. Just trust me and trust what we've got going here. You know it's good, you know I'm crazy about you. And I am, babe. I'm crazy about you!

[The moment Jack says he's crazy about Steven, Steven's face lights right up. It's not that he doesn't know that Jack has feelings for him in return. He does. It's just... hard to tell if they're equivalent sometimes. He's so terribly, stupidly in love, after all—and God, he never thought he would be.]

I do trust you, Jack. I trust you more than anyone in the world.

And— I'm crazy about you too. I... God, it feels so early to say this, but I think I love you, Jack. I really do.

[God, his face feels so warm. Did he really just say that?

Yeah. He did.]

[Jack grins, wide and charming.]

I'm extremely lovable!

But seriously, don't get hung up on time or whatever. Since when do feelings operate with a stopwatch? You wait your whole life with an idea of a...I dunno, a dream home. And then you find it! After like decades! It's perfect, it's everything you want! Do you hold off cuz it'd be 'too early' to seal the deal? No, that's stupid.

And you've been waiting for me a long time, babe. It'd be weirder if you weren't in love with me!

And the only reason I'm not saying it back right now is cuz I don't like doing that, I don't like feeling prompted to say it, spontaneous declarations are so much smoother.

[Steven laughs. Just-- finally saying it after thinking about it for the better part of the month has him more relaxed now. Jack's right. Why did he hold off on saying it?]

I have. You or-- someone like you. Someone who wants all of me, not just the parts of me that are pleasant or socially acceptable or pretty. Hell, it wasn't just-- marriage or being able to touch my boyfriend in public or any of that shit that I'd never thought I'd get, Jack--I never thought I'd get someone like you at all. Just, you know, a series of warm bodies to fuck and forget about an hour later--god, I can't even recall half their names. Most of their names.

I never thought I would meet someone I'd be able to make a life with. Someone I wouldn't have to hold back with. Someone I could just be myself with, even if that self is a nasty piece of work with a brain full of weasels. Not because I'm gay, although that didn't exactly make it easier--I've known plenty of queer couples with the joint back accounts and shared property--but because I'm, well, me.

I'd lost everything before I came here, querido, and you've given me so much back. God, it's no wonder I fell hard and fast for you. I only wish I could give you back as much as you give me.

[And that's probably what's at the root of this, isn't it? All his stupid insecurity. Steven had nothing, had come to this world with less than nothing... and Jack had everything. What did Steven really have to offer besides a pretty face that wasn't his anymore, a warm body with compatible sexual tastes, and the adoration that Jack craved?]

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