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well in that case i could always

u know

just come 2 you

give u a hand baking maybe

it might b fun

if u wanted

You'd really do that, Jack?

Well, I won't say no to a little extra help. :) Here's my address. I killed a guy for it. Can't imagine why I'd do such a thing... he was a pretty nice fella, too.

yea sure! b over soon

an thats a pretty normal way to get a house where i come from

[And as promised, Jack does indeed head over to Slade's. A cool guy wants to hang out with him! How great is that? And Slade is really cool - especially if half of what Harley had said about him is true. And he wants to hang out outside of work! This is just awesome.]

[When Jack shows up at his door, he's in his usual Hyperion jersey under a brown blazer with matching slacks. He's also wearing a pair of square glasses he doesn't actually need but feels more comfortable wearing.]

[This gonna be fun!]

[ Jack's expectations of what coolness entails might have to be placed on hold for the week. Instead of a stoic, sword-toting mercenary, Jack's greeted by chipper house-husband covered in patches of flour and smelling more strongly of sweets than ever.

Where Slade would regard Jack with a raised eyebrow if not a simple, flat look, today's Slade gives him a smile. Before ushering him inside, Slade tilts his head. ] Are those new glasses? Say, why do most programmers wear glasses? ...Because they can't C. That's one you'd get if you knew all the Earth programming languages. Up in space, I'm sure you've moved on from something as primitive as C#.

But, hey, come on in. You can tell me all about it inside. Watch your step; the place is booby-trapped. Maybe I should draw you a map... you know, just stick close to me and follow my moves. Wouldn't want to see you turned to sliced bologna.

[ With that, he heads inside. ]

Oh, uh, yeah...I dunno, I used to wear'em and I just...heh, just felt like wearing'em.

[Jack shrugs as he's ushered inside, and makes an audible gulping sound as Slade mentions the booby traps. He gets it! He totally gets it, a guy's gotta protect his homestead. But he also doesn't want to get sliced into bologna, as it was so eloquently put.]

Uh...would it though? I just...ya know, cuz I'm a robot and everything and I don't exactly cut easy. But I dunno what kinda booby traps ya got, I...I don't know what I'm talking about...

[He trails off, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand sheepishly. But he does stick close.]

Um. So baking, huh?

I had this idea that people might try to hurt my kid. He's new here. [ He shouldn't be saying any of this. No one is supposed to know his motivations except for him.

And yet: ] When he first arrived, I don't know what I'd do with myself if something were to happen and I wasn't around to protect him. So I rigged the house... pretty silly when you think about it. I should have had more faith in our fellow monsters. Trust is all we have, you know?

[ Says the man paranoid to have a tripwire across every doorway. The way he steps over each of them is exaggerated, just to make sure Jack knows they're there. ]

Don't touch the windowsills if you can help it. I set ballbearing explosives to detonate just in case someone broke in.

[ Juxtaposing all of this, Slade's kitchen is a mecca of confections, with sweets and ingredients to make sweets covering every surface. ]

Sure, baking. You want to try one?

Oh no, I understand completely! You've gotta protect your kid, I know how that is. The world's a scary place, you don't know who's gonna go after your family to get to you. Trust me, I know all about it. I mean not here, here...we don't have any problems. I mean my daughter and me, nobody's...nobody's after us or anything!

[In all his time here, Jack's had very little in the way of threats or altercations with other monsters. But he doesn't bother other monsters, not beyond verbal pestering. He's not stupid.]

But if they were, I'd probably do the same thing. I...I dunno what I'd do if anything happened to Angel, she's my life.

[Noted on the windowsills. At the offer Jack only gestures helplessly to his rigid, for-decoration-only face instead of making a snarky comment.]

Wish I could. But I'm sure they're real great!

Angel? [ Was this the first time Jack's mentioned her? Even if it isn't it hits his ear differently. ] Wow, Jack, that's a beautiful name. And not just because I am one!

[ At the gesture, Slade frowns. ]

Oh, you weren't fooling around. [ It's visible the way Slade deflates, fixing Jack with a look of more disappointment and concern that his normal blank canvas of a face should ever allow for. A life without food? A real tragedy is what it is. ]

Well... what's it like? You miss eating things yet?

Oh, yeah, that's my daughter's name. And she is, she really is. An angel. I'm a lucky guy, I really am. More lucky than I oughtta be, really.

[But he's not going to think too much about that. No reason to, he'll only get upset.]

Oh, no, I mean...it's basically just a computer behind there. I don't, uh, I don't really have any biological components left except up in here. [He taps the side of his head.] Meat brain, at least! But nothing else. And I mean sometimes? I liked to eat! I liked food, liked making it, enjoying it...but I can't complain too much, ya know? I don't have to worry about a bunch of stuff anymore, I don't physically age, I never have to work out to keep my figure! And I've got the greatest poker face ever.

[He...should probably try and take advantage of that more.]

She sounds great. I'm sure you did a swell job... I'd like to meet her someday. [ Not that all of what Slade's been sharing for the past day hasn't been sincere, but there's an added note of warmth with that statement in particular. ]

You sound like me. Before I got here, I was pumped full of experimental goo. I look the same now as I did as I was 30. Haven't had a workout that wasn't for fun in decades, either. [ Aside from the bone-white of his hair, there aren't too many things that hint as to his true age. There's no telling how well it'll all hold up here. ] Definitely has its benefits... Poker face, huh? I'll be the judge of that. Go on, try to tell me a lie. I'll rate you on how convincing you are. [ He smiles and winks, but it's hard to discern a wink from a normal blink with six eyes to account for.

Jack being here reminds him of something, and Slade sorts past cartons of eggs and sacks of flour on the dining room table, searching for papers beneath his haul of ingredients. ]

Oh, yeah, sure! I bet she'd love to meet you - she needs to be around more people, get more social time. She doesn't get much of that. Yeah, anytime you wanna come over.

[It'd be nice. And Angel really does need more people in her life, the poor kid.]

Um...wouldn't two truths and a lie work better? I just mean...ya know, cuz if you know I'm telling you a lie it'll be easy to tell...

[He rubs nervously at the back of his neck, already mentally kicking himself for saying anything. Oh geeze, Slade's gonna think he's a mega loser...]

You want to make a game of it? Sure! [ He smiles. ] No telling how convincing of a liar I'll be, but I'll give it my best shot.

But before that... [ He finds a stack of stapled papers and brushes away stray flour and sugar from its cover page. Once it looks more presentable, he hands it over. ] I wrote up this contract for us a week or so ago. Look it over. If I'm being honest, I'm not sure how much of a killer I'm fitting to be. With the bakery and all... I couldn't imagine even looking at a gun!

[ Contrasting this sweet housedad, the contract itself is nothing but professional:

I. TERMS OF EMPLOYMENT

The Employee [Slade Wilson] agrees that he will at all times faithfully, industriously, and to the best of his skill, ability, experience and talents, perform all of the duties required of his position. In carrying out these duties and responsibilities, the Employee shall comply with all Employer [Handsome Jack] policies, procedures, rules and regulations, both written and oral, as are announced by the Employer from time to time...

Outlined within are the terms for three months of service, with the option to renew once the contract comes to a close. There's talk of how many bodies will be delivered weekly, which holidays he needs off for, and the consequences for early termination on Jack's part — money. Should Jack end things early, the contract states Slade gets compensated for the rest of his un-served time in one lump sum of cash.

It's not for another three pages that "XII. SEXUAL ACTIVITY" is presented:

Should sex advances be made by either party, both the Employer and the Employee reserve the right to deny said advances with no adverse effects to the nature of the employment. Whereas the Employee and the Employee are sexually attracted in some way and choose to manifest that sexual attraction through participation in one or more consensual sexual acts, the nature of employment will not be affected by these actions and business shall continue to be conducted. Sexual activities may include but are not limited to: full-body touching, kissing, eye contact, mutual masturbation, oral engagement...

The list goes on for a bit. ]

Edited 2020-09-18 15:02 (UTC)

Oh I just meant that'd make it a better test of if I'm convincing or not. Now I gotta think of stuff...

[Oh well, it seems they're taking a break for business. Jack looks over the contract, nodding. Pretty standard, overall. Okay, so the only time he's had any sort of sexy clause before was with Nisha, and that had mostly been a joke since they were already dating. She'd also been way out of his league, but somehow....]

[He can't imagine Slade being interested in him, but you know what? It's a good idea to cover all bases. Have everything in writing.]

Okay, yeah, so I should just sign this? Cuz I'm cool with everything in here, and coming back to renegotiate after three months. That, uh, that seems like a good amount of time to figure out if we like working together. Yeah, sure, I'll sign.

Sure, go on and sign. [ Slade offers over a pen but he hesitates, even after it's out of his hands. ] But... but what if we put this whole murder business on the back-burner for a spell. I mean, you've got a daughter. I've got a son. You're good at business and you're a whiz in the kitchen. And I... I'll be honest. I haven't the foggiest idea of how cooking works. The bakery could sure someone worthwhile.

...What if we do something our kids can be proud of? Put the guns and butcher knives down and go legit... Whaddya say, Jack?

Oh. Uh....well, I mean, where I come from, it's not like killing people is illegal. It's...it's just sort of what you do. Everybody kills people.

[He talks as he signs.]

I, uh, I don't think killing people is the big disappointment to my kid, honestly. And monsters still gotta eat, somebody's...somebody's gotta help out. And isn't that something to be proud of? Helping people? I think my daughter'd be really proud of me for helping people, even when it's not making me a ton of money. But there's no reason we couldn't do the bakery, too, I can help out with that!

[He doesn't want Slade to think he doesn't wanna work with him unless it's all wet work and people butchering. He knows how to bake. Not as well as he knows cooking, but he's made his fair share of cupcakes and brownies.]

[ Wait, pause: ] Murder is legal in space? [ Okay, carry on. ]

You know, I haven't thought of it that way... so much of my life as been defined by one thing or another. Good or bad. Hero or villain. But when you put it like that, maybe there's a way to do both... [ No, no. This is wrong. Murder is bad, the end. ] But... don't you think about the lives we're taking? The families we're hurting? You said so yourself; things wouldn't be the same if your daughter wasn't around. The people that we kill, that's somebody's daughter. Or son. Or father. It's just as bad.

Well...sure, it sucks, I guess. But what are we supposed to do? We gotta eat. Our kids gotta eat. Our friends and neighbors gotta eat. And if we can make it easier for'em...well, I say we should. Ya know...not everybody here can deal with it okay like we can. It's...it's like a responsibility, ya know?

[He rakes a hand through his hair, nervously.]

I just mean...well geeze, if we can make it easier for our kids and friends, that's a good thing, right? And it's...it's not really murder, is it? We're killing people cuz it's...it's part of nature for us. For food. Skags and bullymongs eat people and nobody's going 'they shouldn't do that, it's wrong', cuz it's just how they were made. And it's not like we're busting into random people's houses and terrorizing them or anything. So I think it's different.

[ Even through his stammering, Slade remains patient and nods at the correct spots to encourage Jack to continue. It's a big topic, he's sure. Maybe too big for a casual afternoon. ]

...Maybe it is different. Well, hey, sorry to spring that on you. [ He even claps him on the shoulder as a gesture of good faith. ] You're important to me, Jack, and I value your opinions. If you're worried, just know I don't think anything less of you, or us, or the business. It's just something I've been thinking about more often lately. Truth be told, I don't think I can answer anything like that... I'm just one guy, you know? Who am I to say what's right or wrong?

We can put a pin in that, if it's all the same to you. With an argument like yours, I don't think I can call it quits on the business, either. Not when we're helping folks.

And I still want to see if I can crack the Jack Code. The lying code, that is. Sure, go on, give me your best shot. I'll have to think of some good truths too in the meantime.

No, it's fine. I mean...geeze, if more people were cool with just talking about this stuff, I think we'd have a lot less guilty people freaking out about having to eat human beings. It's...it's a normal part of our lives, we outta be treating it like it's normal.

[As messed up as that is. But hey, the live messed up lives. It's all about adjusting and normalizing.]

Uh...okay, lemme see.

I....uh...I play the violin, I...geeze...um...I've been married four times, and...uh...um...I'm king of cat town.

[Coming up with two truths and a lie is harder than Jack had thought it would be. But each 'fact' is delivered in the same stuttering, vaguely-confused tone. And of course, his affixed expression never so much as twitches.]

[ Huh.

He only has the tone of voice to go off of. Truth be told, he hasn't given much thought to Jack's robot status. Does he rust? Does he need to charge? Should he avoid water? These are all questions that Slade wouldn't feel a need to ask under normal circumstances — it doesn't matter who's writing the checks so long as they all cash the same — but that same mentality doesn't apply here. They're friends, after all! They should get to know each other! ]

Well, you sound pretty skilled at murder, cooking, and coding. Can't imagine why playing violin would be out of the question. Which leaves being married and the one with the cats...

Think I'll go with being married four times. After the third go at it, I figure a guy like you would call it quits.

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